Unedited, Unabridged, Unsettling

To: Me
From: Mama

Honey, I hate to have to tell you this, but I think your mother is a sick woman. She spends her free time reading about wizards and dark magic, listening to a sociopathic serial killer while driving her car, and watching TV shows about killers, scientists who study them, people stranded on a strange and mysterious island, and a woman who sees dead people. I think I need serious therapy.

(Guess she forgot I'm the one who gave her the book and the audiotapes.... Like Mother like Daughter.)

Train of Thought - Hop On!

My life would be so much easier if I could just make myself eat salad.

Damn - that's a lot of jelly.

Damn - that's a big bottle of water. (1.5L baby)

I should really start commenting on blogs, so people know I've stopped by. But you guys all have StatCounter or something I'm sure. You know I visited right? Yeah, I bet you do. And how long I stayed, my IP Address and browser. Don't judge me!

I am SO buying these! How could I not; these are the best bookcovers ever. Wish I'd had these while I was in school. I was always more into quiet rebellion. I may even find and ride a subway just to test the theory. (hmm, subways in CA... nevermind. Will have to settle for Starbucks or some other high profile place.)

So many post ideas, so little time. I'll simply have to call out sick to work tomorrow. I must blog about my car (2 posts in 1 right there) and then there's my mother's latest email.

(yawn, stretch)
Ok, maybe not tonight.

PS - Can I Sleep On Your Couch Tonight?

Dear iTunes,

Please be advised my paycheck is being directly deposited into one of your off-shore accounts. I've realized my .99 goes farther when put towards downloading songs, as opposed to, say, rent. I would also like to say thank you for helping me achieve my dieting goals. By purchasing cardio-friendly songs I not only work up a sweat, I simply do not have the money to buy food. Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,
Cindy

A Conversation While Helping a Friend Get Ready for a Blind Date

"I really can't decide which shoes."

"Wear one of each and get his opinion. Tell him you have the match in the car."

"I don't think hopping around the parking lot trying to buckle the little sandal strap is a good first impression."

"Black sandals or black sandals, either way I don't think it's going to make that much difference."

"It really is all about the shoes tho. The shoes decide if this outfit is casual or sexy casual."

"With all this going on [gesturing to exposed cleavage] the shoes have no say. I don't care which pair as long as you keep them on."

(Huffy glare) "Of course." (pause) "Besides, some guys prefer you keep your shoes on all night."

"Maybe if I wore some open-toe strappy heels, I would be able to concur. I haven't noticed lace-up leather oxfords having that effect."

"Steel-toe would be worse. 'Yeah baby, wrap your legs around me. Wait! Oww, no, don't!' "

"I personally don't know any guys who want treadmarks on their ass or shoulders, no."

Oh Dear God

Make it stop.
I know it's important and necessary. And I appreciate the production quality, I really do. This is way better than some in-class film strip and booklet session. But damn.

Sexual Harassment Training late on a Saturday night.
Oh yeah baby, I can show you a good time.

Oh wait, I don't think that was appropriate.
Good thing I'm not your supervisor.

Can I go to bed now?

I Even Avoided Making Oral Fixation Jokes

My sister has lost 65 pounds.
Impressive for anybody, but since she's my sister I get to be extra proud. And jealous. I knew there was a reason she hadn't sent me a picture in months; shock value.

Okay missy, two can play this game. I may not want to lose 65 lbs, but I can change too! My competitive streak would have it no other way. After visiting earlier this month, I came home feeling energized and eager. And less than a week later I was standing in line at McDonald's and buying 12 packs of Coke at the grocery store.

Willpower is not my strong suit.

Then, while browsing my favorite blogs I came across this post in kthrnes. Sure, it's her 3-step program for quitting smoking, but this is easily adapted to dieting!

Dieters can talk. Dieters can drink tea, artificially sweetened of course. And dieters can have sex! True, sometimes when you're on a diet, you may be less inclined to get naked with someone. And true, some shallow people may be less inclined to get naked with you. But this is one form of exercise I can honestly say I enjoy.

A little skeptic are you? Want some scientific proof? Well, I don't have any. But I did find a couple of books published on the subject. The Ultimate Sex Diet and The Great American Sex Diet. I bet they even let you have whipped cream.

Or we can forgo the diet part, and try to cancel out calories instead. In one episode of Seinfeld, George Costanza was obsessed with scoring a trifecta: having sex, eating and watching TV all at the same time. But doesn't each one deserve my undivided attention? Who's that coordinated anyway?

"Steeple"

Proud patriarch piercing
The pious panoply of

Peace-less purgatory

Feel the Heat Baby!

One "Sex as a Diet Aid" post coming up!
(Please allow 2-3 working days for arrival, thank you.)

On a (hopefully) unrelated topic: ThermaCare Heatwraps
Apparently I'm getting old. I've had a rather persistent and annoying pain in my left hip/fanny region the past few days. I call it Work. A sudden increase in stress and manual labor has made me achy and ancient feeling.

These wraps are kinda like having a constant heated stone massage, without having to get naked with a stranger. If I could con someone into massaging my ass for 8 hours with warm stones, I would, but I imagine such services are out of my current price range.

Overheard

Lots of men feeling frisky tonight apparently:
I'd hit it, but I wouldn't keep it.
I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
Quick, I need a pickup line.

No really, overheard all these in one evening.

And from the ladies:
Damn it. Don't you dare come over here.
Is he looking at me or you? Forget it, we'll share.

Starbucks on a Friday night. Who knew?

Today's Post = 91 wpp

I received a request to "write a real post for a change" .

Apparently I've been pretty stingy with the word count lately, posting mere snippets of thought. So I've started several longer posts. (started being the key word)

Which one should I finish first:
A.S.S. Syndrome
Sex as Diet Aid
DDR at Best Buy
Beauty and Exercise Contract with Satan
Sexual Harassment Training - Or, you mean I shouldn't do that?

Of course I could post pictures. Fills space, saves time and wins the coveted "Aww, Puppies!" award for cuteness.

When It's Too Late for Nytol

Honestly, and I'm a little ashamed to say this, but whenever I can't sleep, and it's been hours since I turned out the light and I'm still trying, I simply have to start saying my prayers and I'm so out.

I'm hoping it's because I get a sense of peace, not because I get bored. I do tend to go off topic A LOT. Stream of consciousness praying, how very Virginia Woolf of me.

I actually apologize ahead of time, because it just seems so rude to fall asleep while talking to someone.

Smells Like Burning

Who knew something could be too basic? A full-on after-church worthy Sunday dinner, easy as pie. Grilled cheese? Half a loaf of bread wasted in the trash.

Of course that burning smell could be from the candles on my sister's birthday cake. She turned 30 today, a milestone that bothers my mother far more than my sister. Too bad I couldn't be there, I owe her a round of singing-waiter-embarrassment.

Next year sister dear, next year.

All Better Now

I was considering taking this lapse in posting as an opportunity to really slack off, but then I got some emails which actually made me feel guilty (and missed!). So I fiddled around for a while, fixed some things, even practiced putting up pictures. I plan to be back on a semi-regular posting schedule again this week.
Thanks for being patient!

Oh, and those baby blues up there belong to Riggs, a melt-your-heart Husky mix. Puppy pictures may start making a regular appearance on this blog, because they are oh-so-very-adorable and make me happy.

Under Construction

I can't blame just the 56k modem. Clearly this computer was a prop on the Flintstones. Signing in to blogger took over 4 minutes, what made me think playing with the template was a good idea? As soon as I get back from the land that time forgot, I'll fix her up again. Excuse the mess, thanks.

I Can't Really Say It Was All Free, Since I Bought a Week's Worth of New Clothes for It

If only there wasn't this fear of being fired, I could tell you all about my conference this week. The wine, famous people, numb asses, posh hotel room, wine, speeches, frou-frou food, men in suits, meetings, Power Point presentations, laughing, dancing, and did I mention the wine?

And unlike the unfortunate Conventioneers mentioned below, I do not have anyone wishing I'd transfer out of state. (At least, nobody who didn't already.) So that's good. Right?

It was the best meeting I've been to so far, perhaps because this year I let myself have fun. I shocked over a dozen people by willingly shaking my ass on the dance floor, no dragging, kicking or screaming required. I got to know people I hadn't bothered to before, we bonded over stupid jokes, and now the thought of relocating and leaving them all makes me slightly queasy.

Of course, that could be the wine still talking. When the cute waiter in the tux offers, how can you say no?