Clear As Mud

You know when you say/do something wrong, and immediately feel bad about it? Wish you could take it back? Feel like God is shaking his head and tsk-tsking right along with your grandma and Emily Post?

So you beat yourself up about it for a while (or years, as I tend to) and hope no one finds out, especially the person(s) you wronged. Please don't let them find out! And in some cases you just hope that if they do find out, they don't know where you live or what car you drive.

Then, you start thinking of who you can tell, because like the selfish person you are, you want to share your guilt, take some of the weight off your mind and gain a sense of sympathetic understanding. No, you're not a bad person! We all do things we regret from time to time. You didn't hurt anyone. It was impulse, that's all.

Of course you end up blurting it out to the first available person, and of course it's the one person you know will judge you almost as harshly as you judge yourself. And you think, well hell, why did I do that?

So you go on the defensive, back-peddling - to no avail of course.

I know, I know, I suck. I'm a horrible person. The devil made me do it. I should raise myself above such pettiness. I had a moment of weakness; excuse me for being human!

Then you sit in your bedroom, facing the wall, thinking about what you did as if you were a first grader on time out. And for the next week or so you will be Super Citizen, opening doors, helping old ladies cross the street, telling people they dropped a dollar when really you just pulled one out of your own pocket.

Oh yeah, you feel real bad. And you should, too.