Child-Proofing Gone Wrong

On Desperate Housewives last night (hey, it's fun, leave me alone) Lynette's sparring partner of a neighbor, Mrs. McCluskey (played by Kathryn Joosten who rocks), has arthritis. So what does the pharmacy do? Give her CHILD-PROOF BOTTLES. I can appreciate and respect child-proofing; I even stick those plastic outlet covers on at work, lest the little scampering, display-destroying, whining snot-faced angels from heaven decide to stick their Power-Puff Girls hair clips into the socket. But if a 75-year old woman is getting a prescription for arthritis, and not Alzheimers, let's assume she won't leave the bottles lying around unattended and actually let her get to the medicine she needs. At which point she'll then be able to open her front door. I mean really.
Now, something I didn't consider dangerous, but apparently the good people at Del Monte did: Pineapple. Yes, that yummy tart and tangy sweet fruit of the island getaway daydream. Not only does Mother Nature make it a bitch to get to, trying in vain to dissuade you with the outer packaging, but now I need a crowbar to enjoy my Del Monte Gold Wedges, fresh from Trader Joes at only $2.79, which would be a steal, if I could get into it. They make you work for it, I'll tell you that. But once you are able to enjoy the fruits of your labor (I know, I know, sorry), you better be hungry. Because worse than getting the lid off is getting it back on. Do not eat this on your 10 minute break at work people; it will take you that long to put any unused portion back in the fridge. Plus you'll need a change of clothes, b/c that juice will be all over you, and not in a good way. Unless.... well, never mind.
So, if you get old and arthritic, no pineapple for you.
And if you are at work, screw healthy, eat M&Ms.